Log in

No account? Create an account

Mon, Jul. 26th, 2004, 02:15 pm
Literature Abuse

Take this test and find out! How many of these apply to you?

- I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
- I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
- I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
- I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
- I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being
- Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
- Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
- I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
- At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
- Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
- I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have
finished a novel.
- I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
- I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
- Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
- I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
- I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
- I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
- I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
- Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.

If you answered 'yes' to four or more of these questions, you may be a
literature abuser. Affirmative responses to seven or more indicates a
serious problem.

Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to
new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased
college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of
literature abusers is currently at record levels.

Social Costs Of Literary Abuse

Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal
relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to
the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad
posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags.
In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small

Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of
moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of
English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this
disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness,
daydreaming and emotional instability.


Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a
considerable role in determining whether a person will become an abuser
of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused
literature, often beginning at an early age and p! rogressing into
adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves.

Other Predisposing Factors

Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy
fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games,
participate in healthy sports, or watch TV in the evening.


Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in
order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should
seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to
seek physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.

Decline And Fall: The English Major

Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs
to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study
literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their
children are taking the wrong path -- don't expect your teenager to
approach you and say, "I can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you
visit her dorm room and find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it
may already be too late.

What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:

-Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know
you won't abandon her -- but that you aren't spending a hundred grand to
put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But
remember that she may not be able to make a decision without help;
perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic

- Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book
in your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard question:
-- Who is this Count Vronsky?

- Show him or her another way. Move the television set into her room.
Introduce your child to sorority girls or frat boys.

- Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop
signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class, or minor
in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.

You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of
the following applies:
- She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
- She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
- Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner
or any scene from the Lake District.
Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself
or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American
Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone